How to NOT Write a HarryDraco Slash Fic
by xdarkangeltwinsx
Summary: A parody on how to write the worst slash fic guaranteed or your money back! Rated for steamy sex scenes, naughty cussing, stupidity, and Jerry Springer, because he's Jerry Springer.


**DISCLAIMER: THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN. YOU CAN HAVE IT.**

**Just a little parody running around in my head. I've seen so many bad yaoi fan fictions (including my own), so I wrote the worst possible one I could to honor the awesome tradition of making lazy fan fiction.**

**Or maybe I'm just a bad writer.**

**~Michi**

**------------------------------**

How NOT to write a Harry/Draco fan fiction in just 8 easy steps!

1. The beginning must be incredibly n00b-ish and romantic, but so cheesy that the reader feels the urge to vomit from the very first word. It usually involves sex in some way, shape, or form.

_I look into his emerald green eyes. They are so beautiful that I just want to jump his bones. His big beautiful bones, which sound uncannily like his big beautiful boner. I love boners._

2. Draco and Harry must be irrevocably in love from start to end. For no good reason.

_I think it started when I dropped my pencil _(no regard for Hogwarts memorobilia) _in Potions class and he picked it up for me. _(no regard for Snape's tendency to notice every single blessed thing that goes on in his class that happens to the main characters. If something happened to a minor character, say, Parvati Patil, Snape would be oblivious) _As I grasped the wooden stick, I imagined it was his penis that I caressed because I have extraordinarily gay thoughts at random intervals. It was at this point in time that I think I fell in love with Harry Potter. Oh, if only pencils had balls attached._

_Just as that wonderful boy who is so important to me and has been for the eternity of five minutes handed my pencil back to me, a flying monkey swooped into the window and poured acid on one of the Patil sisters, scarring her for life both physically and mentally. I was certain that the poor girl would need therapy for the rest of her existence. Snape, of course, was still grading papers at his desk._

3. The dialogue must be incredibly cheesy and not typed well, so it will contrast nicely with the correctly typed narration.

_"0h noes!" Snape cried, most likely at the sight of poor Parvati, who continued to bleed on the floor as her skin melted off her bones and puddled around her still form. "Meh favor3t r3d p3n has runned outs of ink!!!!!!!1111"_

_The rest of the class face palmed at Snape's apparent stupidity._

4. All good Draco/Harry fan fiction is a crossover between some random anime characters and a celebrity usually in possession of a talk show.

_Suddenly, Inuyasha and Kagome burst through the window and tied up the flying monkey. Inuyasha bonked the monkey on the head with Tetsusaiga, and Kagome was all, "0h, Inuyasha, ju SEXAY beast! I wahnt to jump yo b0nes!!!"_

_"Meh toozzz!!!!" I yelled. I looked around the room to see if anyone had heard that._

_Just then, Jerry Springer stepped out of the shadows with Oprah and Ellen on his arms. "I haHve N0tting too say, mon." he said in a Jamaican accent._

5. It must have excessive amounts of cussage involved in the dialogue.

_"0h, shut da fuck up, Jerry-fucking-Springer. Nobody fucking cares about yo shit-head show." Inuyasha, who had suddenly turned from Japanese feudal-era guy to American gangsta, yelled._

_"Y3ah, mon. I suhck." Jerry agreed. Meanwhile, Ellen Degeneres and Oprah Winfrey engaged in a cat fight over the possession of Jerry's discarded banana peel._

_"Ju ain't g0t nuttin 0n meh, biahtch! I pwned yo ass!" Ellen yelled, pulling Oprah's hair extensions out._

_"0h, no! You did NOT just mess with da O! Mah show has higher rating than yo's."_

6. Must go off in a completely different direction than the writer planned, probably not even getting to Harry and Draco's romance until fifteen or sixteen chapters later.

(_approximately 17π chapters later...)_

_"Oh Harry," _(apparently the dialogue goes back to normal) _"I love you so much. You are like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin." I whisper sexily in his ear, brushing back the wisp of hair that had fallen into his eyes, obstructing my view of his pwnage._

_"... Have you been watching my Twilight DVD again?"_

_"There is no time for talk of deception between us, my love! Let us screw each other like bunnies until one of us gets tired and goes home! Or the sun rises. Whichever comes first."_

7. Steamy sex scene is mandatory. Otherwise, the whole story is pointless to the reader, who skims through the whole thing just to get to the sex part, which usually involves a random three-some.

_I screamed with passion as Inuyasha thrust into me, covering me with the warmth of his lust. I just barely noticed Harry sitting off to the side and sulking, still fully clothed, through the haze of my own heat._

_"When is it my turn?"_

8. Although the sex scene is done and over with, the reader still leaves disappointed.


End file.
